Welcome to 2020! My last blog was in March, which seems like a lifetime ago, and much has happened in the world and in my life since that time. I remember 9/11 with such clarity, and I have a hard time remembering what the airport and experience were like pre 9/11 because so much changed after that event. I am sure that I will forget my pre-pandemic life in many ways also. I am thankful for the recovery work I did before COVID19 because it has helped in the dark daily moments of quarantine. I am grateful for my yoga practice because it supports my body, mind, and spirit during this transition. I am thankful for my faith and belief in something greater than myself in this period of uncertainty. I cannot control everything, nor do I need to, I can turn it over to my “higher power” and move forward, hoping that I can take it one moment at a time. If you have been in a 12-step program, this language will sound familiar to you. As a daily practice, I do breathwork with that serenity prayer “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I can’t speak to what’s out there on the news or social media either, but I know it’s intense. As a means of self-care I removed all news and social media apps from my phone a few I had a wonderful opportunity during quarantine to train with Nikki Myers and get my certification as a Y12SR (Yoga for 12-Step Recovery) certificate holder. Due to quarantine, our training was online, and because of that, I had the fantastic opportunity to meet people from all over the country. If it were not for this crazy time, I wouldn’t have gotten this opportunity to take this course with Nikki. It’s a combination of two things that have radically changed my life: yoga and recovery.
You probably have a notion of what I say when I talk about yoga, but what do I mean when I talk about recovery. For me, recovery is a process of letting go of my co-dependency and the enabling I have allowed to rule my life for a long time. I was the perfect match for those struggling with addiction because I was more than happy to come in and “fix the mess they created.” I was compelled by rescuing them from their own choices because I knew the “right” way to resolve the issue. I say this all tongue and cheek. What I was doing was my own type of addiction — co-dependency. I was making me crazy because I felt the world on my shoulder. If I didn’t fix it, who would? I NEEDED to help this person because they were clearly not capable of helping themselves. I COULD hear both sides, and I NEEDED to be the intermediary for my parents because I could understand both of them, and I just needed to translate so that they would understand each other. I was caretaking for everyone around me. I put everyone’s needs above mine. I was amped up and exhausted.
Enter yoga and recovery. This is why I am so thankful that I could train with Nikki Myers and learn how to integrate 12-Step Recovery and yoga. This is why I didn’t post a blog since March (much to the dismay of my husband, who is my technology and marketing manager). I needed to take care of myself and prioritize my well-being. I couldn’t keep up with my new role as a cook, housekeeper, teacher, student, and working mom. I am now starting to figure COVID life a little more. I ask my husband for help when I need to and not take on all the responsibilities on my own.
I have a history of addiction and co-dependency in my lineage on both sides of my family. That samskaras (habit, mental impressions, recollections, or psychological imprints) is a huge reason it’s so easy for me to fall into that pattern of behavior. It’s what I saw modeled for me, I was rewarded in the corporate world for taking on more responsibility than I should have and cleaning up people’s messes. And this pattern in my life was chipping away at my soul. I didn’t know how to stand up for my needs and set boundaries with those around me.
So now what? Now I can take it one day at a time with COVID19. I can learn the art of Aparigraha (non-attachment) from the Yamas in that eight limbs of yoga. Life as I knew it before COVID is gone. I can grieve the loss of what was before and move forward, or I can stay stuck clinging to the idea of what I thought 2020 was going to look like, how my 15th anniversary would be celebrated, what my daughters’ school would be. I know that my experience in recovery helps me here. I know that I have to surrender to God, Ishvara Pranidhana in yoga, or give it over to my Higher Power in Al-Anon.
What do you need today? Can you write down three things you want to grieve? Can you write three things you are grateful for today? Can you write three needs you have? Can you take 5 min to sit and breath without judgment of yourself today?
Interested in meditating with me or having a private yoga instructor in Los Angeles? Contact me to find out more about my affordable private yoga lessons in Los Angeles and meditations sessions in Los Angeles!